I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I have done it! I took my organic chemistry final this morning. I am done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so relieved. It went well, I won't get my score until Monday but at least I don't have to think about it anymore. To reward myself I am going to go to Kohls up in American Fork with Nikki and shop! I am in desperate need of some new t-shirts and such. So, for the next couple days I am going to be keeping myself busy by packing up my life getting ready for the big move on Monday.

Well, I wrote that yesterday morning, but I didn't want to finish it and so I didn't. Well, there has been a lot going on since I wrote that yesterday. I had a melt down last night and then again today. I am an emotional wreck, could be due to the hormone levels, or just that I am a freak. Okay, so here is the deal. I have a hard time with change. I try to tell myself that change is good, but it really freaks me out. I like to know where I fit in and that I will have friends where I am. So, yesterday Nikki and I got home from shopping, a successful trip by the way, and I have told a couple guy friends that I would be attending their softball game. So i drive up to Orem, BY MYSELF mind you, to watch them play. I got a "hey" when I got there and a two second conversation after the game and then they went off trapesing to watch some girls play softball. Fine, whatever. But really, it was the straw that broke the camels back and I was upset, very upset, but I didn't really know if I had any justifyable reason for being upset besides the fact that I am a girl and it is that time of the month. So, I put a movie in my computer and went oustide to enjoy the nice weather and to watch a movie. While I was wallowing in self pity watching "Just Like Heaven" Amar called. He and I talk every once in a while and it is nice to chat, and last night I needed someone who understood me, I thought maybe I could get some good advice, and guess what! He gave it to me! I told him my dilemma. Many of you may be reading these and not understand where the dilemma is, it lies in the sudden and abrupt change in a few friends' attitudes about spending time together and I felt like it was uncalled for and I didn't understand what had gone wrong. Amar told me, quite bluntly, to "stop beating around the bush and just ask what happened". I didn't really like that answer, I am not a huge fan of confrontation. Today I came home from spending a couple minutes with one of the guys and I just felt awful. I cried to my roomate who tried to console me but to no avail, I had to talk to him. So, I called him back up and we went to my favorite spot on the grassy hill outside his apartment to talk. In talking with him I think I figured out what my problem is.

I give 150% to relationship that are important to me. I will do anything for someone that I care about, not to toot my own horn. Friends are extremely important to me, more important than almost anything else. I think I sometimes expect the same thing from those people, but a lot of people don't have the energy to do that. I want so bad to just accept what people have to offer and it is something that I am really working on but for some reason I am just having a really hard time feeling fulfilled.

I know this has been a bunch of ramblings but it has been something that i've needed to get off my chest for days, okay 24 hours. I am so grateful for good friends, and extremely grateful that after I talked with my friend today that we were able to have a good conversation and I was able to better understand where he was coming from. As scared as I am about confronting people and or problems, I have begun to realize that they will never ever go away until they are confronted, and it can only get better from there.